Monday, November 8, 2010

Why India lost the ODI?? Analysis..

Being an ardent fan of cricket, and APSEB which managed to cut the power everytime exactly in the last over of a nail-biting match, I wanted to do something for cricket world. Seeing my abilities as a cricketer, people never really allowed me to touch anything related to cricket. Political games. C'mon Every body has a learning curve. And in my case, 17 years seems fairly reasonable. I was trying to understand two things in cricket all these years, how can someone swing his bat and hit a ball at the same time and how is it even possible to run, jump and throw the ball at the same time? Crazy! I am still amazed at people who can do that. Well except batting, bowling and ofcourse fielding which I dont like to do for obvious reasons, I was starting to gain expertise in every other field. But people really didn't give me a chance to prove my talents. Damn you gully cricketers.

After trying this and that, I finally decided to join the secret cult of cricket fans which is mainly a group of cricket retards, who thought they could do better than any cricketer! This group has a name, ************* **** ********** ****. Remember!!! this is a secret cult and I could get banned for revealing its identity. Anyways, there are some strict eligibility rules to become a member of international crap cricketers club(ICCC). Here are some:
1) Should have umpired atleast 2 matches in world cup for 2 year olds.
2) Should be better than sreeshant in appealing.
3) Should look better than Abhay Kuruvilla.
and the toughest one
4) Should be able to tell the difference between eesha deol and Micheal Jackson!

After 2 years of serious preparation, I was awarded the eligibility and membership to the club. I was in the top 5 eligible candidates for the yeat, satisfying 3 out of the 4 rules( I failed to answer the 4th one)! I was appointed as a secret agent for the group, whose job is to find out why India lost and why Tushar Kapoor acts as if he knows acting. My code name is Games Blond 006.5432134554.

So why india lost in the recent India vs australia(5th ODI) match!! A 66rs question. Well it was a 66 million dollar question for the first loss, but since India lost so many times, the value of the question has come down drastically to 66RS. i am just waiting for the day when there is no value to the question. When no one has to waste their time and money answering this question anymore, when there will be peace in Mayanmar again and when MJ stops surgeries to his face. Well, for now here is the reason.

As a secret agent, I need to work with my informers all the time. This time it was the floor cleaner Sakkubai, alias agent Detergent! She revealed some useful information which could lead us to the answer. Apparently there was some argument between Ganguly and Dravid about who invented "Shunya", which is also called Zero and where is he from. Both agreed that, Zero was invented by Aryabhatta. But then both of them were fighting on where he belonged to? Ganguly argued that Aryabhatta was from Bengal, and bhatta was one of the first person in the Ganguly family. He claimed that Zero was a private property of the Ganguly's for years and even now they keep the tradition of getting zero where ever they can. Thats the reason, Ganguly's report cards and score boards are filled with them!! Dravid was not agreeing to this, he claimed Aryabhatta was from Karnataka because his Mathematics teacher's name was R.Y.Bhatt and he always talked about how he would get zeros if he didn't study. Both of them were adament, and their desire to prove their points grew like fire. To prove their point, Ganguly decided to show his love towards zero and Dravid decided to copy whatever Ganguly does. So thats how both of them ended with 0's on score boards.

Coming to rest of the team, Tendulkar hated mathematics right from the childhood and he was sure that Aryabhatta was not from Mumbai, as he doesn't have a kar at the end. So he played cricket as usual, not knowing how much to make. Murli karthik always was an admirer of Ganguly. He sincerely followed Ganguly's score to show his fanaticism. Rest of the team were youngsters who decided to go to RGV ki AAG this friday. So they decided to pitch in money for that movie, but they had differences on how much. Then coach Venkatesh prasad solved this dispute by suggesting that who ever scores highest will pay for the movie. That explains why everyone was so competitive for not scoring runs. Dhoni and Zaheer were desperately trying to get out, but Aussies knew their plan and were trying to make them see that movie, so that they can win next 2 matches easily. Most of the bowlers in the team were graduates of my prestigious club ICCC. So they tried their best to keep the ball with in 1 km radius of the stumps. Poor aussies had no choice but to hit the ball.

So, thats the reason for the loss! Well, who cares for the loss anyways. We lifted the 20-20 cup and also Noida Gully cricket association cup(actually, a broom stick thrown by neighbouring aunty). Thats enough for the next 15 years. So my job is done here!!! Oh yea, the Tushar Kapoor thing, I heard from some one that he is natures secret weapon to fight evil!!! Over 1 Indian gets red-eye seeing his movies every year!!

Go ahead.. start blogging ..

After reading hundreds of blogs, I realized that blogs are nothing but a dump of people's crappy feelings on the web! But still I find them fun. Why? It might be because of the nuclear explosion in Japan in 1945 or because I was among the fortunate group of people who saw Johny film first day-first show. Who knows! Who knows why bala krishna still make movies and how man got AIDS from a chimp? BTW These are some of the darkest mysteries that History & Discovery channels failed to solve!

Writing first blog is like proposing to someone for the first time(and someone doesn't include Jayalalitha, Esha Deol, Micheal jackson) . You are nervous, confused, scared, out-of-your-mind and all those funny feelings.But what next? I know people spend months and years together planning on how to propose and don't have a clue what to do after that. But everyone except him knows what happens next, the most scariest thing ever happened to a man - marriage!! So the point is I don't have any idea what to do after I finish this one!!

Well, in American terms I am a bit old for blogging. Usually people start blogging like at the age 5, when they have nothing much to do in life other than watching cartoons and helping their moms beat their dads. But hello! I come from the land where Chiranjeevi, Ravi teja and Rajni Kanth still go to college and girls fall like flies for them. Even in the political system of my country, this tradition of "start late" is strictly followed. If a party wins in elections, the oldest member of the party whose senses were drastically impaired and who is all set to kick the dirty plastic bucket in his backyard, would be made the Prime Minister for life. According to various stats, this would mean that a PM would enjoy a long term career of more than a week and less than two weeks. So by Indian standards I am way early.

I know all you readers, all two of you, have two questions in your mind - what the hell is this crap? and Why the hell am I reading this? I don't have any answer to the second one, and seriously no one other than your family doctor can answer that! But for the first one, I already told you, Blogs are all about writing, reading and sharing crap with all the well-wishers and wish they wont be well after reading that! And the best part is you cant stop me from writing, because of the mis-printed sentence on page 242 of the constitution about freedom of speech for nerds!

Wow, I cant believe I finished this one. I am as happy as a child who successfully burns his dads property documents thinking they are homework questions from his teacher!!

Well guys keep visiting & I promise I will try to write something which make sense in about 20 years !!

Friday, January 23, 2009

Love Story..

HEARD THIS STORY FROM SOMEONE,
THAT DEEP BELOW THE OCEAN
THERE EXISTS ANOTHER WORLD
WHERE THERE IS NO SILVER,NO GOLD.
FLOATING IN WATERS THAT NEVER DRAIN
WAITING IS THE OYSTER, FOR THE RAIN.
ALWAYS IN WATER ,BUT STILL, THIRST
CAN ONLY BE QUENCHED BY THE FIRST DROP OF RAIN.
HIS SHELL SO STRONG AND BRIGHT IN LOOM
LOOKS LIKE A DRESSED UP BRIDEGROOM.
WITH OPEN ARMS, LOOKING AT THE SKY
TO GRAB HIS LOVE,WITHOUT ANY DELAY.
THERE COMES THE RAIN,HERE COMES MY LOVE
HIS HEART FLEW AROUND ,LIKE A BEAUTIFUL DOVE.
THUNDER BOLTS, FROM THE CLOUDS ABOVE THE HILLS
THEY WERE HIS WEDDING BELLS.
HE COULD SEE HER COMING DOWN
LIKE A BEAUTIFUL BRIDE IN A PRETTY GOWN.
SHE WAS SO BEAUTIFUL WITH ALL HER CHARMS
HE READILY TOOK HER INTO HIS ARMS.
SO HAPPY,SO DELIGHTED WAS HE
FILLED UP THE JOY IN THE WHOLE SEA.
OH!HOW LUCKY SHE IS,THE GIRL!
WITH HIS LOVE,NOW SHE IS ,A PEARL!
FEELING SO DEEP,BOND SO STRONG
THEY LIVED UNITED,OH! SO LONG.
LOVE HAS BROUGHT THEM WELL DESERVED GLORY,
HEARD FROM SOMEONE, THIS BEAUTIFUL STORY!!

End of world!!

This weekend was fun. I saw three movies back to back. Usually the count goes to five! But I restricted my self to watch only three this time, so that I could do something fun in my life. Something good, something meaningful. And I did. I watched TV and I made sure that I was not watching a movie on TV. So there you go, I started gaining some discipline in my life.

TV is the best source of entertainment and exercise for people. Those who don't watch TV and instead go out and work-out are called "loosers"! We who spend days and nights before TV and empty bags of potato chips before it are called "Couch Potatos", which in algerian tribe language means "Saints". Recent studies have shown that a normal human burns 0.4 calories everytime he lifts his remote and presses it. I do it atleast 1000 times on a typical saturday. so I am burning 400 calories just by sitting and watching TV. It is equivalent to running 4 miles and walking 8 miles. The big list of advantages don't stop there. You get to know many things about this world like egypt has pyramids, you can order a pizza either by calling them or online, Paris is in Europe somewhere near France, african female chimps like ravi teja and many more. People who dont watch TV wont know all these things, thats why they are loosers.

I was watching a program on domestic pigs in east africa on the animal planet. It reminded me of a movie called "Babe" on pigs. My mind, as usual, drifted from Babe to babes to bay watch to Sea to Titanic to Kate Winslet to Ice berg to glaciers to global warming to end of the world! Suddenly it started thinking about End of the world, questions started popping up- why was I not the lead actor in bay watch, why was the film tomb rider not banned, how will this world end! Since it requires godly powers to answer the first two, I was stuck with the third one. I decided to get an answer to that, with utmost dedication, hard work and immense research. I began my research, many people call it Sleeping. I have a special gift of fore-seeing future. When I sleep I see visions and there is 0.002% of chance for that vision to become true. My psychiatrist calls it a Dream.
Classic example is the 2001 sept 11th WTC blasts. I saw JrNtr dancing with Jayalalitha and Sonia Gandhi in my dream. That was not normal, that was ghastly, freaky. I got up scared and I was drenched in sweat that night and couldn't sleep for next 50 seconds. Thats when I realized that something worst is going to happen to the world and it happened. So I used my special gift to come up with an answer on how this world would end!

After a serious 13 hrs of research, I realized that I didn't turn-off my alarm. I hate to get up on sundays, they are for sleeping. Anyways back to my research. I found that there are three possible ways by which this world could end:

1) A telugu dubbed tamil movie
2) A rumour
3) A britney Spears concert in Winter

Let me explain how:

I saw in my vision, a man. A man frustrated by his boss and tormented by his wife. He want to get a break from his life. He want to enjoy his life for 2hrs 23 minutes. He thought of seeing a movie. Because of population explosion, he couldn't get a ticket to any good movie. At this very moment, he decided to do something which would change the world forever. He decides to see a telugu dubbed tamil movie. All the time he was in theater, he thought that his boss and wife are like angels compared to that movie. That movie robbed him emotionally and mentally.He came home, slammed the door and ended his life. When he slams the door, there is a lizard on the wall which lost its tail because of the slamming. It called for a lizard hunger strike until the man comes and apologizes to it. The man is already dead. This lead to a massive increase in insect population. They ate all the crops. Hunger everywhere, chaos starts. India attacks nepal for food, Nepal fires its only missile and it misses target and hits pakistan. Pakistan thinks its an indian missile and attacks india. Then world war begins, nuclear holocaust everywhere. End of the world!!

Or, A rumour can end this world. I saw in my vision that an iraqi comes to hyderabad for higher education. There he meets a guy called Sattibabu, king of rumours. Sattibabu tells iraqi that irani chai was called iraqi chai when it was invented. But an irani king attacked iraq and stole the recipe. He also changed the name to irani chai. iraqi goes back to iraq and tells this story to everyone. An irani spy in iraq hears this story. He runs to iran to tell this to his people. He runs 32.245 miles, and names it irani marathon. The prime minister hears the story and orders to attack iraq. iraq fires back. Then world war begins, nuclear holocaust everywhere. End of the world!!

Or, A britney spears concert can End the world. After a long time, when everyone thinks Britney is gone, no more of her singing, no more suicides seeing her dance, suddenly Britney announces a comeback. This time not just Britney, but a britney with no hair and a white beard.
She gains 30 pounds. No one buys tickets to her concert, but she makes a deal with US govt. If US govt can bring her some audience, then she will give a concert in Russia and Iran. US govt brought Jail inmates to the concert. They were told that it was free food day. poor guys dont know what's going to happen to them. Then the concert begins, inmates run for their life. But they are locked. Britney is in a security cover, so they cant kill her. With such frustration, they start to kill each other and turn into Zombies. They roam all over the world and turn everyone into Zombies and thats my friend is the end of the World!

So no more secrets about the dooms day. Don't do any of the above three and you will be safe.
Its time to do some research on "Flu in flies". zzzzzzz....

Secret characteristic!

We live in a world with diversity integrated in every part of it. We have people with different ethnicities, colors, creed, race, facial hair and dumbness. Even people follow different religions, have varied beliefs. But if you look closely there are some things that every human being does. I bet some animals also do them. Of course there are some obvious things like eating, fighting and hating paris hilton. But there is one hidden characteristic in every human that acts like a fevicol between a human and other humans, aliens, dogs, cats and film stars. It has the power to turn enemies to friends and Allu Arjun to gay! In the 5th edition of rocks, grass and dinosaurs written by the early man named two stars and a stick, on a mountain in present day sahara desert it is clearly stated that this incredible characteristic of humans is called "Gossip". It is like telugu lyrics of a.r.rahman's tamil song, tune will be same as the original, but no one understands the meaning. For example, Bipasha's boy friend is John Abraham is the news and gossip form of this news can be any of these and many more: Bipasha has a secret relation with John; Bipasha proved last week that she is not straight when she was seen last night with a tall lady with long hair and a T-shirt, she was calling her john; A bengali heroine is deeply in love with a model turned actor, she was last seen in Dhoom-2 in a bikini and the guy was replaced by Hrithik in the same movie, etc.

Being an expert in the primitive arts of gossiping I can tell you right away some of the advantages of gossiping, like you don't have to know about the news to talk about it. That way you can participate in any form and kind of discussion, you can come up with your own imaginative stories about the topic. I once came up with this story about earth being round and every one believed. It is a well-known fact that women love gossiping 0.0001% more than men.
So gossiping can help men to break the ice and score good with ladies. With my skills, I not only break the ice but also manage to break her sandal on my face each and every time.
Gossiping also helps cure some diseases like jealousy and insomnia. This is a proven scientific fact in the subject of gossipology. If you are jealous about some one then that can lead to depression, sleeplessness, hatred and an urge to watch Balakrishna movies. But you can cure all these with gossip. You can talk bad about that person in public and tell it is gossip and you heard it from someone. Now you have your revenge and you get good sleep! Gossiping make people forget about some bigger problems in the world. This is the biggest advantage. For example, Srija's marriage has taken precedence over the unstable stock market, iraq war, bomb threats and even daily serials. This incident gave people something to talk about, something to think about like how did she get married, where did she go, who helped her etc. Now they don't have to worry about rising fuel prices, pollution etc all they have to worry about is whether Chiranjeevi accepts Srija or not. You can also make money writing about gossips. If you don't believe me go to greatandhra.com and read. In a couple of days, I bet you will start gossiping. And the list is endless.

I did an intense study with my elite group of gossipers about how gossip started. After 15 minutes of intense brain storming and reading many sign-boards on the road, we finally discovered the birth of gossiping. Long long ago, when there was no lip-stick and britney spears,
there lived 2 early man and 2 early woman or I can say 2 early couples. One day both couples went to a movie. There one early man got exited and whistled. The other early couple didn't like that and they talked about how indecent that early man was. After a few days a third couple moved in the town and the couple went to them and gossiped on how the other couple was indecent. This is how first gossip started.

From MJ's nose to Dhoni's hair-cut to Blair touching Bush's hand, every damn thing is a gossip. Be a gossiper, but don't be a subject of a gossip. That is as dumb as imitating tushar kapoor.

I THINK OF YOU

I THINK OF YOU,
WHENEVER I SEE MYSELF IN THE MIRROR,
WHENEVER I SEE STARS IN THE SKY,
WHENEVER I PRAY ALMIGHTY
WHENEVER I SEE A CHILD SMILING
WHENEVER I SEE A FLOWER BLOSSOMING
WHENEVER I HEAR BIRDS SINGING
WHENEVER I SLEEP DREAMING
WHATEVER STATE I AM IN
WHENEVER I BREATH
I THINK OF U.